WARNING!!! This entry is going to be more a list of random thoughts, so I am sorry. And for those of you who may be reading this and do not yet know, Andy most likely has cancer, so that will be the focus of this blog entry.
Tomorrow Andy will get his official diagnosis from his doctor. From there we will most likely be referred to an oncologist for Andy to start his treatment. His treatment will most likely be radiation and most likely they will want to start him right away.
And just like that…our lives are completely different than we expected them to be. One stupid lump changed everything. Effing lump!
Am I worried? HELL YES! I worry about everything on a normal day, throw cancer into the mix and I may just get an ulcer, but I can’t get an ulcer because we don’t have the effing money to afford it!
I feel so bad for Andy, mostly because he is stuck with me. I do not have the least bit of a care taking instinct in me. I am learning to be better about this, but still I am not the best person for Andy. Should I joke, should I act like nothing is wrong, should I be crying all the time?
The worst part of all this…is it doesn’t make sense. Andy is only 26 years old and we just got married. Don’t we get a free pass from an effed life for like a year? Isn’t that what being “newly-wed” is all about? He quit smoking and drinking, he works out 6 times a week, he is one of the healthiest people I know, and he gets cancer?! And through all this, I am who he has to go through this with. If I had the choice, I wouldn’t choose me.
So that is my life/has been my life for the last couple of weeks. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and there seems to be no end in sight.
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