Give a little bit

My friend Stephanie recently wrote about 2 of her “first” loves. That in combination with my upcoming one year of marriage anniversary got me thinking about my different loves. While, I have been with my husband a total of 6 years (one married, 5 dating), I am a little lacking when it comes to steamy relationship stories. Even though I desperately wanted a boyfriend in high school, I did not start dating until college.  And even in college, my love life was lackluster. Let’s just say I am the queen at having crushes on boys, but not really too good about making relationships happen. Honestly, I am clueless when it comes to attraction and when I finally get that a person may be flirting with me, I run like a scared little girl. So out of the small number of contributors to my love life who do I feel like writing about? I will rule out Andy, only because he is above and beyond this list and I will most likely be writing a special post about him in the near future anyways.

My first boyfriend was Sam. He was actually the boyfriend of my college dorm mate when I first met him. They only dated for a short while and at some point decided they were better as friends, so don’t worry, I didn’t break up any relationships with my feminine wiles. During the last days of school as everyone was getting ready to move out, he and I were helping my dorm mate move into an off campus apartment. He ended up giving me a ride home and confessed that he had a little crush on me. To be honest, he was completely off my radar. I was not attracted to him physically, emotionally, socially, etc. in the slightest. He was just someone that was in my life who probably wouldn’t be in it for much longer due to the end of school. But I had never had anyone tell me that they liked me, and I know it sounds selfish but knowing that he thought I was cute, totally made me see him in a different light. So I went to Burien for the summer and he and I talked over the internet and eventually started dating. Like most first relationships it was not meant to last and I knew deep down inside that he was not “the one,” but I needed to keep it going because it felt so good to be loved. He and I were so different. He was conservative religiously and socially, I was (and still am) liberal religiously and socially. His friends didn’t really like me and my friends didn’t like him at all. Not a good match. Then when night, he came over to my house to hang out. We had dinner and everything seemed fine. We started to have one of those deep conversations that girls seem to love when he started talking about how he was feeling stretched too thin. He felt like he didn’t have enough time to do everything he wanted. It is funny, but I think instinctually, my heart knew what he was trying to say. So I asked him point blank “Do you think you want to break up?” And he said “yes.” Just yes. No, “It is me, not you.” Just “yes.” I remember hugging him, saying “Of course, let’s be friends, blah blah blah.” Then he was gone and I realized that so were all my roommates for the night. I lived in a house with 3 other girls and they were all gone for the night. I am not saying they weren't there for me, because lord knows they helped my 19 year old heart to heal, but they just weren't there for the initial crushing blow. The next months were filled with heartbreak, embarrassing booty calls, and trying to figure out who I was. I know it was hard, I remember the tears and the hurt, but it seems so unimportant now. I didn’t date, flirt, kiss, or do anything remotely sexual with another person for another 3 years. I was totally closed off. And then came Shane.

Oh Shane. Thinking about him still makes me smile and blush. I was his boss at Western. He and I would talk and talk and talk and I didn’t think anything of it. Remember, I had closed myself off. Then when day he handed me this piece of paper with a bunch of cheat codes for the Mortal Kombat SNES game because he remember how much I loved that game. And all of a sudden I was like “O! He likes me.” I didn’t know what to do. I think I probably ran home and had to talk it over with my housemates. But from that moment on I was smitten with him. The thing with him though was I could never get a good read as to whether or not he actually liked me. He and I hung out/went on dates a couple of times, but that was about it. Just when I thought he was only spending time with me because I threw some kick-ass parties, he would stop by my house out of the blue or suggest we go see a movie. Looking back (hoping slightly), I think he and I were just two of the shyest people ever, and we were both waiting for the other person to make a definite move. I tried to make a move, a booze filled move which didn’t really go anywhere. Then for my 22^nd birthday, his housemate was hosting my party. I decided that this was the day! I was going to tell him exactly how I felt. I spent months putting together my outfit. I looked hot! I was ready. I showed up to that party ready to land myself a man, and that is when he introduced me to his girlfriend (they had just started dating). Yes, ouch! Funny thing is, I don’t remember him and me really being awkward after that. In fact I think it was better, because at least we both knew where we stood.

All my relationships/encounters have a special place in my heart, but those are the two I decided to write about. In writing these down I couldn’t help but feel completely thankful for Andy, and I have to admit that I haven’t been showing that to him much lately. I am realizing that I am a selfish person when it comes to relationships, especially my relationship with him. I have ideas as to why that is, but those are maybe a little too deep and personal to talk about here. With that said, I have decided to work on it. It is hard to change 28 years of selfishness, so hang in there friends.