Lindsay and I went to visit my grandma last night in the rehab center. If I could think of one place that embodies hell on earth it would be there. There is no air conditioning where she is staying. It was almost 90 degrees out and there was no air conditioning! My grandma is lucky because my aunt thought to bring a fan with her, I can’t imagine what it would have felt like in her room without it. Her roommate had some sort of surgery on her brain so she just sits on the edge of her bed saying “Hello” every few minutes. My grandma hasn’t been able to sleep in days because she is in so much pain and because of her roommate. Due to this lack of sleep she is really agitated and confused. At times, she couldn’t remember where she was at. Other times she wanted Lindsay and I to break her out. She kept saying she just wanted to go home. She can’t even walk.
It makes me sick to think about it. I can’t believe that is how we treat the elderly and sick people in this country. I am so mad at my family. I am mad that they are not honest with each other. No one has any idea how much money my grandparents have because we don’t talk about that sort of thing. My grandma could be in a state of the art facility, but we will never know because we don’t know what they can afford. I am mad that no one has stood up to my Aunt Sandy (the matriarch of the family) and told her to get them in a better situation. Mostly I think I am mad at myself. I didn’t know what to do last night. I just watched how hurt and scared my grandmother was and it was all I could do to stop from crying. As Lindsay and I were leaving she wanted to make sure we didn’t hate her. She was worried that she was being a burden on us. How could this beautiful caring women ever be a burden? After everything she has done for me, I am paralyzed when it comes to helping her. I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to hurt the family.
I went home and I cried. I cried like I have never cried before, poor Andy didn’t even know what to do. It makes no sense that these are going to be my last memories of my grandmother. I am trying hard to remember her as the vital woman she was. I am fighting to remember all the trips to Dairy Queen, all the school projects she helped me with, and all the Halloween costumes she made me. I am trying so hard to remember these things, but all I can see is a frail scared wounded woman in a hospital bed.
I feel like I have failed her.
2 comments:
Hi Carly,
My grandfather died about 3 weeks ago. He was in a nursing home after he fell and broke his hip - I couldn't bring myself to visit him to say goodbye.
My family doesn't talk about things either. I don't know if my parents even would have told me about his fall - I had to call my brother to get any details. My dad sent me a text message when he died.
Oh well, family is family. We have to love them anyways, right?
I hope things get easier with your grandmother. I know how hard it is, how horrible hospitals and nursing homes are. Be thankful that you have Andy to get through this with - even if he doesn't know how to comfort you, he can still be supportive.
Ok, I'm done rambling. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Carly,
I have so much to say to you but I'd rather say it in person, driving in the sun, listening to bad music and making you laugh. I will see you soon and we will do this.
Know that I am thinking of you daily and sending you my support and peace, and that I love you oh so very much.
<3
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